


my body and mind finally went numb

by malecstozier



Series: 3B inspired fics/codas [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt No Comfort, Like, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane centric, Mentions of Suicide, Please don’t read if you feel you might be triggered, Sad Magnus Bane, Thoughts of Suicide, a bit - Freeform, actually, hurt a bit of comfort, mentions of self harm, not that graphic, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 22:36:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18353108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecstozier/pseuds/malecstozier
Summary: He can pretend he’s not a shell of the once lively and brilliant Magnus Bane. He can just pretend, for a moment. Pretend that he’s okay.





	my body and mind finally went numb

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE guys read the tags!! Don't read if you may be triggered!! Please

Magnus doesn’t recognise himself. The eyes staring back at him are cold, filled with never ending self hatred and insecurity. Gone are the shimmers of his memories that always glimmered behind his eyes, gone is the radiating care and honesty, gone is any form of happiness from his eyes. Those that stared back at him were unrecognisable, cold and dead with no substance or stories.

He didn’t understand how Alec could look into these eyes and see someone he recognised. Someone he loved. Mostly, he’d decided that Alec was lying. He was not the same person he was when they had met. He was the same person he was when he’d thought up his name. The same person he was when he’d discovered Camille affairs. The same person he was when he found himself on the end of that bridge. The same unlovable, disgusting being of _great destruction._

He barely noticed his gradually reddening skin on which his fingers gripped and pinched. How could he? when everything that he felt and thought felt muted and slow- like deep in a pit of molasses. How could he possibly care about the condition of the skin on his arm when he didn’t care about his own life anymore?

Jarringly, his mind snaps to Alexander. His face when magnus had uttered ‘maybe.’ Oh, imagine if he could see magnus now. In front of a mirror with his eyes clouded by tears that just won’t _fucking fall_ , disdained and disgusted.

He’d probably get over it. If magnus weren’t here. He’s stronger than he thinks, Magnus’ shadowhunter. He says that he can’t live without magnus, but he knows it’s not true. Alec could find himself a shadowhunter- one without so much emotional baggage. He could find someone else- hell, everyone else manages to. 

His eyes close and for a moment, the world seems to stop. His fidgeting fingers come to a rest as his burning skin seems to scream back at him, and he almost relishes in it for a moment- the pain. Then he feels nothing once more, as his own heartbeat spins in his head and he swears he can feel the blood rushing through his veins- he feels nothing. It’s almost blissful. He can’t see the self hatred he feels, he can’t see his bare face or his bland clothes, he can pretend his walls are back up and his armour’s on tight. He can pretend he’s not a shell of the once lively and brilliant Magnus Bane. He can just pretend, for a moment. Pretend that he’s okay.

Then, his phone buzzes and his eyes snap open, only to be greeted with a stranger in the mirror. Because as much as he likes to pretend, he’s not magnus bane anymore. Those eyes don’t belong to him. He doesn’t recognise himself. 

His skin burns, but he can’t feel a thing. He refuses, for a moment, to look down at alecs text. He knows it’ll be something kind. Something too kind- something he doesn’t _deserve._

[16:03: Alec]- magnus, how would you feel about dinner tonight? My treat. I have a bit of a surprise for you, so dress to impress! 

_read_

[16:09: Alec]- hey, you ok? 

_read_

[16:15: Alec]-not to be overbearing, but I need you to text me back, okay? 

_read_

[16:18: Alec]- im gonna come over, is that okay?

[16:19: Magnus]- please.


End file.
